Scaring Your Pants Off

I want to take a few minutes of your time as you read this, to bring awareness to a pressing issue facing everyone in our society today. This is something that unfortunately, the ARROW Discovery Service in Australia estimates over FORTY FOUR THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED PEOPLE over the age of eighteen are subject to each year.  The Center Against Sexual Assault in Australia estimates that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men experience sexual assault by the age of 18, and only 1 in 6 reports of rape make it to the courts for persecution.

These are not just statistics we complete on our census forms. These are real people, who are in real pain, facing real trauma and lifelong side effects. I know because I am one of them and the effects do not go away, even years later. Recently, I experienced a re-awakening of the ripple effect it has on my life and in an effort to find helpful resources for myself and my fiancee, I searched for a video on YouTube, hoping to find some hope in the voice of another survivor sharing their story. I searched the following words: "my wife was raped" and these were the top 10 responses:

1. Did My Son Rape My Wife? 
2. My Wife Got Raped
3. Did My Son Rape My Wife?
4. You Raped My Wife!
5. You Raped My Wife! part 4
6. Auto Gang Raped a Wife in front of  Her Husband
7. Did My Son Rape My Wife?
8. "The U.S. Army Raped and Murdered My Daughter! Justice for pfc LaVena Johnson!"
9.  Hot Indian House Wife Raped Scene in Chitrangini Telugu Hot Movie
10. Hitlers Wife Was Raped!

Just typing in the phrase "I was raped" in the Google search box brought up these most commonly searched topics:

1. I was raped in prison
2. I was raped in prison yahoo
3. I was raped and now pregnant
4. I was raped in prison stories

On television, we see rapists get away with their crimes, victims shattered and broken, re-victimized and blamed for someone else s' shame.In the media, we hear all too often about young women, children, and even men who are assaulted brutally. It is sensationalised to the point that we as a mass community have disregarded the effects rape and assault have to a person. We forget that they need our help and support to re-build their lives and move on from their trauma.

Isn't it a concern that these are not only statistics, but people, and people we find everywhere. one in three women: just in my office, there are countless women and taking that statistic into account, there are most likely to be more than thirty who have experienced rape or assault. They are our mothers, sisters, cousins, grandmothers, aunties, wives, girlfriends. We love them and seeing them hurt is more pain than we could bare, and yet we have not banded together to say NO, THIS IS NOT OK. We have not come together as a whole to create a place of healing for our loved ones where they can take peace from broken pieces. Why have we not done this already? Why is there so minimal help and assistance available?

This post is dedicated to the women young, old or inbetween and their families, friends, colleagues or lovers who are all suffering the effects with little support to heal the raw wounds. I hope this article will spur you into thinking, or in the very least raise your awareness for the lack of support we choose to provide for our mothers, sisters, aunties, grandmothers, friends, wives, girlfriend or colleagues.


you are not alone.

Owning Your Stuff

In every aspect of our life from our work and career to health and finance, we experience what I call Road Blocks, or challenges. We find ourselves in a situation that places us miles away from our comfort zone of expertise and safety and suddenly we are stumbling through uncharted territory.

How the hell did we get ourselves into this mess? If only (insert name of person you want to blame) hadn't done what they did, I wouldn't be here right now. Is that a thought that runs through your mind as you navigate the land-mines hidden in this unknown place? Are you ticked off and actively directing your anger and frustration towards another? Is it eating at you?

For those of you who are pointing the finger at someone else, where is your role in landing yourself in an uncomfortable position? You didn't get there entirely on somebodies ride!Not to mention this doesn't have have to be as scary and daunting as you are allowing it to be. It could be a great opportunity to sharpen your skills, experience something new and exciting!

In the world of Coaching, we call this moment Being At Cause, or being Proactive. I like to call it Owning Your Stuff, or exercising your Personal Power. To sum it up, what it means is you are consciously aware of the choices you made that lead you to this point, and can evaluate if they were of benefit or not to yourself. Did eating that King Size Mars Bar really help you with your health goal? Did the choice to take a home made lunch to work three days a week really help you achieve a budget goal? It is the ability to take ownership of the choices you make, from the mundane choice of tea or coffee, flat or heels, skirt or pants, to which bank you choose, how you handle your boss, which subjects to study. All of these choices you make each and every day lead you down a path, and along the way you may find yourself questioning how you got there to begin with.

Decision making, and owning that decision is not always a clear cut science. Sometimes our choices really are difficult and require us to think on a higher level, and take many other factors into consideration. Other times, it's reasonably simple. If you struggle with indecision, it's probably linked to the fact you haven't been making choices that come from the heart and benefit you. They somehow don't align with what you value or believe in.

So how do you get around it and really own your stuff?
First of all, when we are able to recognize that we are dissatisfied and unfulfilled in some way, it is an 'alarm' that the choices you are making are not bringing you any joy. Recognizing that alarm is not always easy so look out for feelings of confusion, being lost, puzzlement, or procrastination. Notice them, acknowledge their presence and note it down.
Secondly, we begin to change what we do. What we have been doing up to this point hasn't been working, so we might as well change the approach and get a different result! Starting small is a fantastic way to build confidence and trust in yourself: begin with things like what you eat for breakfast, the clothes you wear, what music you listen to, or even how long you take a shower for. Small choices that you make now, will build your trust in yourself, and you will begin to notice what feels 'right' and good-you are taking the first steps to nurturing yourself!
Third, once we have practiced making small to medium level choices, we can begin to work on the larger ones. This might involve a higher level of thinking and taking alot into your considerations. It might be a choice of which car to buy, what neighborhood to live in, where to holiday, removing toxic people from your life, a career change, or something equally important to you. 
In order to reach this point, each time you make a choice, be aware of the physical and emotional response you have to it. For example, I myself experience a gut wrenching dread if I go against myself or make a decision that I know will not benefit me or anybody else. But when I make a choice that falls in line with my beliefs, values and desires I experience waves of happiness that encompass my whole being and I become excitable and full of positive energy. What reactions do you have?

Noting these responses will be of great help in making larger decisions and in taking ownership of your life...

The Tricks of Perception

For a few moments, lets imagine that we are all at a barbeque together, enjoying a few snags, burgers, can of fizzy and a salad. We're having a pretty nice day out, and someone suggests a game of backyard cricket=the winning team gets first go at the dessert table!

During the game, in an effort to make a catch you slam into someone else and tumble down hurting your neck, arm, shoulder and hip. Your best mate Jo is cracking up in fits of laughter at the folly, while your nursing your pride and sore bits. Embarressment takes hold and you decide to sit out the remainder of the game. Jo, in the meantime, seems to find the event beyond hilarious and it cements his belief that backyard cricket with his mates is a fun thing to do, while you decide otherwise. The same event, two different perspectives and interpretations.

So what is it about this single moment during a friendly game of cricket that pivots one persons beliefs, and reinforces the other? It all boils down to our perceptions and interpretations of the event in question. It was assigned a meaning that was determined by past experiences, environments both physical and social, and your current beliefs and values. For Jo, it cemented that cricket is a great way to have some fun and bond with his mates, while for you it was a physically painful humiliation you won't live down and will probably refuse to play again.

Let's say a more serious event occurs in your life. At some point, something clicked for you and you assigned it a meaning in your world. It helped to shape your viw of the world around you, and how you interact with it. What if we shifted that perception a little, just for a few moments? Let's pretend now that we see it from an outsiders perception, or from the other people involved.

Our entire existance is dependant on the way we interact with the world, and our perception of it. A person addicted to heroin sees their world in a completely different way than your grandmother does.

The lesson to remember is that your perceptions and interactions are not set in stone-they will alter naturally with your growth and life stages, but you can also shift them willingly if you want to. If you find that the way your currently going about your life isn't working, change your perception. The results you will see in a short time are dramatic and can be a catalyst for greatness!

8 Tips for Getting Through Anxiety in a Relationship

Being in a relationship with someone who suffers from anxiety can be challenging at the best of times. Anxiety presents a whole new skill set you need to master, and here are some frank tips from the pro who lived through it and came out the other side:

1.       Learn to Recognise the Triggers and Symptoms

Learning how your partner responds to things is tough0especially when they can be as small as running out of milk, or as big as a major health scare.  Your partner will experience a range of symptoms and may not even recognise it themselves while they are caught up in it. Having that extra set of eyes and ears to help curb the impact makes a big difference. 

2.       Always have a Plan B, C, D and E.

People with anxiety from moderate to severe, often turn to what they believe to be solid, fool-proof planning to assist in minimising their feelings relating to a loss of control. They will often have a ‘to-do’ list with a certain number of tasks that need to be completed each day, which helps to keep them grounded and in a routine. 

3.       Change is Terrifying

Any changes to a routine or lifestyle can be absolutely terrifying to someone who finds comfort in the routine life they already live. Therefore, discussions about shifting or changing their lifestyle may not initially go down well. This person needs time and space to be able to think it through, and overcome the challenges they see in it on their own-of course with your support. 

4.       Medication Isn’t The Answer

Being medicated isn’t fun for anyone. It can produce unpleasant side-effects like sleeplessness, depression, weight gain/loss, or even psychosis. Medication is a tool that is used to assist in keeping someone with anxiety or other mental health issues stable and safe to work through their challenges. It might take a few swaps of brands and dosages to get it right, and it might take months for it settle into your system, but it will help in conjunction with other tools.

5.       It’s Intense

Depending on your situation, anxiety can also present a wide host of other emotions often felt intensely from sadness, numbing, anger or nervous to joy, happiness, triumphant or gleeful. It can be a roller-coaster of emotions that you need to be able to read and recognise-especially if there is any pattern to how often they appear and recur again. 

6.       You Will Get To Know The Doctor

As a main support system for your partner going through this, you will probably get to visit the Doctor a lot with them. It will mean you might be asked to be watchful of their patterns, remind them to take medications or perform tasks, or get them to their appointments. You will be the second set of eyes to supervise their recovery and able to be the voice of reason and love during these doctors appointments. 

7.       It’s Not Embarrassing

Almost everybody suffers from a mental health condition at some point in their lives and it is ok to seek help and assistance to recover from it. There is no shame in admitting you or your partner need some expert help. 

8.       Caring For Yourself

If you are caring for someone suffering from anxiety, you probably experience feelings of rejection, resentment, anger, frustration, and a yearning for it to just bugger off. It’s important to remember that you need care too-the world doesn’t revolve just around your partner! You must take care of yourself in every way from the basic food and water needs to those of your spirit or soul. If you find it overwhelming, say so. If you need some time out, arrange it. You must care for yourself!

Dig Deep

So you probably wanted some part of your life like your money, romance or career to change for the better. In fact, you probably want it to change dramatically for the better-instead of just getting by and saving the bare minimum, you want to be a millionaire! Instead of losing 1kg you want to drop 20kg.

Dreaming big is great fun and sharpens your focus onto what you want for yourself-but chances are, you probably got too wrapped up in the dream to actually make it a reality for yourself.

Here are the three rules for getting big results-if you want them, you must:

1. Have a clear and focused goal in mind
2. Require more from yourself
3. Take giant, monumental, mountain shifting action.

You won't get any closer to your dreams if you don't do those three things. The first one is tricky-it means you have to actually spend time and energy discovering what you want and to do that often means some serious introspection on who you are-something not everyone understands or knows about themselves. Step two is the simplest, yet most difficult.

In this, you will be forced to crush your beliefs about how bad the world is, and create new ones that actually help you. You will be forced to set your standards high-why? because your worth every bit of it and deserve the best!

Step 3 is possibly the easiest and simplest of the three-it really creates itself as the first two become clear and focused you will know exactly what kind of action you need to take. From cleaning the dishes every night, to making a few phone calls, to evaluating your finances or researching a new career or education-once you know what you want, the how becomes self-evident.

Nothing comes for free, it will require you to work for it. You will need to sweat, shed some tears and probably get angry and wish you had neever undertaken the journey in the first place. But without the journey the reward of living your dream is meaningless. Look at every self-made millionaire, billionaire, inventor, genius or activist. Each of them have incredible stories-Steven Hawkins is a quadriplegic and can't even speak with his own voice but his achievements and advancements in physics and astronomy have revolutionized the way we see the universe. Lindsay Fox was told he would never amount anything in life by his Year 10 English teacher-he now owns and runs one of the largest and most reputable transport companies in Australia!

In the face of adversity, when the going gets tough, the TOUGH GET GOING.
You pull yourself back from being the victim, you get off your butt, and you strive harder. You aim for the best because its what you deserve and want for yourself. You take the action and even if the results aren't instantaneous, they will be magnificent.

As they say, aim for the moon because even if you miss you will land among the stars...then you can try again and get a little closer each time!

Your Transmission Matters

Yesturday I wrote about the fact that there was a 1 in 4 HUNDRED TRILLION chance that you would be born to the parents you have, with your genetic makeup, at this time in human history.

Today, I'm going to tell you why you keep screwing things up and self-sabotaging without even being aware of it.

Your brain is a fascinating piece of bio-engineering; it keeps us alive with involuntary actions like breathing (because hey, if we had to remember to do this, we would already be long dead), telling us when we need food or water and sleep. So in the bio-mechanical sense, its awesome.

But psychologically, your brain is too dependent on how you feel to be truly effective.
Your brain has two main modes. Automatic, and Manual. Yep, just like a car.
When you switch into Auto, everything is boring. It's the same routine with the same people, the ame food, same work, same patterns and we don't really pay attention to it. Before you know it, ten years have flown by and you didn't grow a single bit. You didn't even get to really live those ten years!
Ever driven to work or to the grocery store and then thought "how did I get here? who drove the car?" that's your brain on Auto.
Manual on the other hand, is the flip side to Auto. It demands you manually tell it what to do: what to think, when to do something, and how. You literally have to switch gears on this one, and really pay attention because if you don't. you'll blow up the engine, metaphorically speaking. It requires you to put in the effort to use your mind as it was intended: to think!

Oh, and there's one other nifty thing you brain has: the Emergency Brake! the Emergency Brake is deployed everytime you transition from Auto to Manual. Anytime you shake up your routine, its there and kills the idea, inspiration or thought you had. It immediately makes you STOP and take the auto-option. Why? because its EASIER on our brains to do the auto thing than to actually think and act on our own at a higher level of functioning.

So, how do you beat it?

Its simple, but it's not easy. You have to stay in Manual, and make yourself do the things your auto-brain doesn't want you too. It means you have to get up out of bed on time and not hit the snooze button. It means you have to eat that apple and not the Crunchy bar your craving. It means you have to start taking yourself seriously and responsibility for your actions because nobody else is to blame for where you're at now and where you're going, except you.

You made the decision to eat that extra chocolate, not call the hot girl from the bar, or take that job. What are the next 10 years of decisions going to look like?

You Got Sh*t To Do!

I recently came across a TEDx Talk by Mel Robbins, a well known life coach and author with a special talent for public speaking. Her talk on getting what you want got the wheels in my mind moving, and I got to thinking-whats the point of people striving for better? what drives us to do this?
Well, the simple answer is we are driven by our feelings and emotions.

Think about this: we avoid painful emotions by completely shutting them out, or avoiding them as much as possible, while we bask in the joy and laughter of others. We avoid activities or others who upset us, and stick with what we know to be safe, even if it's boring.

But why do we do it? why not just dive right on in the deep end and swim our way out?
Because our brain is a little bit like this: we function on autopilot in our day to day lives, where we miss the unpredictable and stick with the safe, if boring existence we currently lead.  The part of our brain is the panic button. The minute we step outside of the 'safe' zone, thats when we unconsciously ht the panic button and freak out. Our emotions go bonkers, our ability to think rationally ge right out the window. Heck, sometimes this works out well because we meet someone uber cool or good-looking, but other times it really doesn't do us any favours.

So, given these two extreme modes our brain loves, you have two choices: either sit on your butt and watch life pass you by uneventfully and without any great amount of joy because its "safe", or grab it by the balls and yank it, pull it, squeeze it until it bends to your command.

And just in case you needed a bit more motivation? Did you know that the chances of you existing in the world right now, with the parents you have, genetic make up, taking into account all the wars, conflicts and other disasters in human history, are 1 in 400 TRILLION. 

Yep.

That's 400 followed by 12 zeros.

So what the hell are you still doing on your butt? heck, with the 1 in 400 TRILLION chance you have, do something amazing with it! Start that business, enroll in that course, learn to cook French food or pick up that hot babe at the bar! Get out there, you have sh*t to do people!